Who is Justin Bieber and when did I get so old?

WHO is this Justin Bieber and why is he popping up all over the place?

Let’s be honest… I really only sneak back toward pop music if Britney has an album out.. And from what I can tell she’s back on the Cheetos and Starbucks… so it’s going to be awhile. Until then I will continue to be musically snobby and sit in my office and listen to my Sigur Ros and feel depressed.

But really? WHO is this guy? Why does he look so tiny? Is he a Jonas Brother? I DON’T KNOW. I get irritated when I don’t know who these people are… I feel like I used to be in the know.. when did I get so old?

Like when Twilight came out… it was all over the place… and I had to google it.. In fact I still don’t know what it is. It’s a romance about vampires? AND I still don’t get the thing with Robert Pattinson and his hair… and when the movie came out and everyone was like TEAM JACOB or whatever.. I had to google that too. I am still stuck on the TEAM ANISTON train! I am becoming a dinosaur. Eventually I will realize that my pop culture references to Balky in Perfect Strangers will no longer be looked at with humor… but with pity.

Last night I was just talking about the Real World and how I desperately want to break up with it.. but I can’t!! It’s too difficult.. life without the Real World means I am officially old. I want to not watch.. but turning away would mean that I am officially in the VH1 zone… and then I’ll never know who Justin Bieber is.

I'm starting with the man in the mirror....

I’m really not. But just one quick thing about all the political issues about healthcare reform and everyone on the faceplace today going nutballs about it—IF you don’t agree- do something about it. Write your Congress person--- not just update your status. Make sure you vote, get involved… I am not going to voice my opinion either way- but I do think if you really feel strongly about something then take action.

No one wants to hear me talk about that though. People want funny stories and right now I have very few. Although I was reminded this weekend about how when I was a kid I made a puffy paint sweatshirt of Homey the Clown. It had a picture of his face on it and said, “Homey don’t play that.”

And why wouldn't you want my opinion about the Academy Awards?

Last night as I lie in a carbohydrate induced coma, Kristal said to me “I hope that is going in your blog” In reference to the fact that Kristal seems to think I should be the next girl to date George Clooney. OR Jeremy Renner... which thank goodness he didn't win.. it would only be more difficult for me to get my foot in the door.

That meant I had to write a blog. SO here it is… I know that opinions are like a$$holes- and everyone has one.. and I like to keep mine (both) to myself … but because Kristal asked for it…

First of all, Kristal and I have watched about 12 years of Academy Awards together- beginning my freshman year of high school at Mrs. Highley’s house. We were practicing for the PCL Lit. Contest (we won- obviously). I realized then that two things would never change for me 1. Cold hot dogs taste gross and 2. I love watching the Oscars with Kristal.

This year our “food theme” was Midwest Farmer’s Daughter. So we made lots of casseroles.. all a success, except for the wretched and distended look of my belly when I got home.

So the best part of the night was playing who aged better when it came to the stars of John Hughes movies. The winner was “Ducky” aka the guy from that show I don’t watch with on again/off again Rehab star Charlie Sheen on CBS. Judd Nelson looks like a homeless man. And what happened to Macauley Culkin’s nose?

Also- I always wonder why certain “stars” are presenters at the awards. I mean what was Queen Latifah doing there? Honestly. Didn’t she win for Chicago like 6 years ago or something? She is ALWAYS THERE! I don’t get it. Or Miley Cyrus and Amanda Seyfried. I know this may offend some people- but being in a Nicholas Sparks movie should not allow you to be a presenter at the Academy Awards. Again- just my opinion. I don’t like touchy feely movies- which is why I did not nor will ever see The Blind Side.

There were a lot of great moments… and for the most part those were punctuated with my trips to the kitchen for more casserole… but for me the biggest highlight was the quote “Hey Ferris, this yo day off?” from Matthew Broderick, who has been drinking the Rapid Aging Potion again.

Also the snuggies. Clever.

My favorite quote was from Kristal was in an email I received this morning and I have to agree with her to some degree… “The more time that passes, the more ripped off I feel about up in the air. And precious. They were robbed.”

So here are my thoughts on Precious. Man- if you haven’t seen it- you should. Then never watch it again. I love the commercials for the DVD that say “OWN IT TODAY!” No thanks… But it really bothered me that Oprah kept calling Gabourey Sidebe “Gabby”. Oprah- your best friend is Gail… not “Gabby” stop addressing her by a nickname to show the world how tight you are. We get it. Oh- and when Kathy Ireland was there (HUH?) talking to Gabourey? As Kristal said, She’s speaking to her as if she is deaf.

In closing- my other favorite quote from Kristal is… “too bad Sean Penn is such a d*ck. He’s such a humanitarian.”

My love for Bob Costas Explained

Why Bob Costas? I hear it all the time.

It’s true. My number one all time biggest crush has been Bob Costas for about 20 years. And as the Olympics come to a close I thought I would take the opportunity to explain why.

I remember being about 12 years old and sitting up late at night during the summer drinking Country Time Lemonade and sneaking my mom’s Slim Fast Bars (they don’t make them like they used to- and not that she needed them- she’s tiny) and watching Bob on the Olympics. I WAS MESMERIZED. The fact that we lived in the sticks and had no cable could attribute to this… as I had no other means of late night entertainment aside from Ron Reagan’s short lived talk show.
Anyway- people always say to me, Bob? Really? But… his hair? Just like Randy Travis said, “I ain’t in love with your hair.. and if it all fell out- I’d love you anyway”

I’ve compiled my love for Bob into a few short bullet points:
• He’s funny.
• He’s charismatic.
• He has a vast knowledge of sports.
• He has a vast knowledge of other stuff.
• He can talk to anyone. He was the original Ryan Secrest people!
And really I think that says it all. I will admit that once during a visit to St. Louis I thought I would try looking for his house… I don’t know if I found it or not. I will also admit to looking for Brad Pitt’s house in Springfield in 1996… “the Gwyneth years.”

So anyway- that’s it… but let’s be honest the head can’t explain what the heart wants.

My American Idol Journey Thus Far

For Kristal’s birthday gift this year I agreed to watch the entire season of American Idol. Which I have done—but last night everything was switched up and all of a sudden these kids were on a stage—singing!! And Ellen was there!

Most of what I know about American Idol I have learned from The Soup and I’ll admit I am very far behind. Perhaps beginning now is similar to starting LOST in the middle of the last season.. I don’t know.

So below I have shared what I don’t get about American Idol.

•Simon’s hair. In high school we had a coach who had hair with that weird middle part.. and guess what? It wasn’t his real hair.

•The human interest piece of the show. Why are they showing me how awful and sad these contestants lives are… and then I listen to them sing and they are horrible! Why lure me in and then say sorry, you suck… because they do. And while we’re on the topic, I really don’t care for the warm fuzziness of it all… even if they do sing well. AND all these people seem to have horses. Or someone in the family with a disease. OR a wife in the hospital about to give birth. I would like to see something a little more out there- like adding a little Celebrity Rehab or Intervention to the mix. I want to see a huffer gone good by making it on American Idol. But a huffer wouldn't have much of a voice I suppose after all that huffing.. so maybe not a huffer. Maybe a crack head.

•Why is the American Idol logo superimposed on a picture of THE EARTH? Shouldn’t it be over a picture of the United States? AND if we are going to be completely correct here it should be titled U.S. American Idol. American Idol means they would also be having auditons in South America. See- that International/Intercultural M.A. wasn’t for nothin

•The word “Idol” is disconcerting. This makes me think of the “tiki idol” on the Brady’s doomed trip to Hawaii… remember? And how did that turn out? NOT WELL! I think it should be called “I want to be Famous” AND by the way growing up my “Idol” was Debbie Gibson and you know what she did? She wrote “Lost in Your Eyes” at 14!! Top THAT kid with a horse!

•I thought I got to vote people off?

I will say though that the guy who sang “Straight Up” was pretty awesome.

Update:

I just told my boss the story and she said, considering that DU Hockey is over for the year.. you wouldn't have to go out with him til the fall.

Love it.

Mamas don't let your babies grow up to be therapists...

So last night I went out with a guy (the one who called me Polly) and I should have known it would not go well.

First of all, he called me the wrong name… but I have decided to give anyone a chance at this point.. so I went out with him. It started out ok.. we chatted about chocolate and cheese for awhile and everything seemed like it could be fine. BUT THEN he began talking about his work- he’s a therapist… and an hour later I got to talk.

And the conversation basically was him telling me that the choices I made were odd and atypical of a normal woman because:

1. I remain friends with guys I have dated. Apparently this “grossed him out” and he had a huge problem with it.

2. I am “cold hearted” because I feel like there is no use boo hooing over a relationship that didn’t work. I just told him it was a waste of time to sit around and be sad for something that clearly wasn’t meant to work and it’s easier to just move on and be happy. I spent way too much time in my 20s feeling sorry for myself because a boy broke my heart. But in the end, I realized it really was the best thing that could have happened. Does the Red Roof Inn wedding ring any bells? Seriously.

3. I only want one child- and “Normal” girls want at least three or four.

4. It’s weird I have gone out with guys younger than myself. Remember the 21 year old? Again he said he was “grossed out.” Um no… that was awesome. Sorry, dude.

5. He asked me if I would be happy if I remained single forever and I said “yes” because I have a great life, great friends, etc… and this is also weird because according to him you can’t have a family without a husband.

DONE. Check, please. On the double.

So at this point- I am thinking ok- clearly this isn’t a match.. I’ll just pay for my drinks and go. WRONG. He says, “So I’m hungry- let’s get some food.” He wanted to continue this? Stop it… so I said I was ready to hit the road… and he ASKS ME OUT AGAIN! And what did I do? I SAID YES! Even though this was the worst, most uncomfortable date I had ever had I still didn’t think I could hurt his feelings to his face and say no. So today I am going to compose a sweet little email that allows me to say it just isn’t going to work.