Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens....

Oprah's no longer around so I have taken it upon myself to share my FAVORITE THINGS! 

This idea started because I couldn't stop talking about the book I'd just read... and I wanted to tell everyone about it. Then I started thinking of all the OTHER stuff I love that I should share. Now, a lot of people try to convince me to love the stuff they love- NPR, U2, Twilight, Meat.... this is not the point of my favorite things list. In fact, there is really no point to the list.


Favorite song I forgot I loved: Banditos by the Refreshments.
However, if it happened in the 90s- I probably love it anyway. 

Favorite song that is super sad sounding but really not too sad, all things considered: Librarian by My Morning Jacket
Really, I just love the library and anything library related. Also they use the word "interweb" haha.

Favorite tv show with the most random guest stars ever: American Horror Story
Albie from Big Love? That guy in the Star Trek movie I never saw? This show is scary. Period. And Dylan McDermott is a sexy, sexy man.

Favorite book about Hitler before World War 2: In the Garden of Beasts by Erik Lawson
The last page of this book blew my mind. 

Favorite book with the word "goon" in the title: A Visit from the Goon Squad by Jennifer Egan
This is by far my favorite book of 2011. And not because it involves music in the 90s.

Favorite way to waste time: Bestweekevertv.com
So funny.

Favorite way to instantly cheer up: Reba McEntire's Does He Love You video.
I call dibs on that white outfit because my next Halloween costume will be "Cheated on Reba" circa 1993.

Favorite picture of Estella pretending to be a mummy:

This creeps me out and makes me laugh all at the same time.

And finally..... for my friend B, who every Sunday morning texts me how disappointed he is in me.........  in the words of Sheryl Crow

My Favorite Mistake: Saturdays at 10pm MST on BET

Friday, November 18, 2011

I heart Roberts.

If you've read my blog you know I have had a tumultuous past with men named Rob, even as recently as this last week ... oh... sweet, adorable 24 year old Rob...And I spent the entire day after Thanksgiving watching a marathon of Restaurant Impossible with Robert Irvine (have you SEEN his arms?).

Roberts haunt me.

The summer my father died, Bob Ross became a consistent male presence in my life. Every day at 3pm J.S. and I would talk on the phone during The Joy of Painting. And when we'd sign off (this happened for years not just that summer) we'd repeat Bob's well wishes of "Happy Painting and God Bless."

That was also the last year I attended Vacation Bible School. I LOVED Vacation Bible School and that year was probably my favorite. One project was to come up with a slogan for a bumper sticker- after our ironic viewing of the OH GOD! movies, J. and I submitted THINK GOD! for our sticker. I was sure ours was most clever... but another group had "SIN HAPPENS."  Way funnier.

We also made shrinky dinks that summer. Remember when you could draw on a piece of plastic... bake it in the oven and TA DA! Magic! It was a tiny rendering of your original work! I think most kids drew crosses or something related to the material. J. drew Rainbow Head (Played by Christopher Walken on Saturday Night Live) and I drew Bob Ross. We were 12 and clearly... very hilarious. These shrinky dinks were then made into pins which we stylishly affixed to our jean jackets, etc.

I have no idea where mine is now... but I drew Bob as a skinny guy in a green t shirt... Bob's afro was mainly just a big brown circle around his head and his skin was yellow so... he looked jaundiced. They didn't make flesh colored markers in 1990.

Later that summer PBS announced that Bob Ross would be appearing 30 miles away in SPRINGFIELD MISSOURI! AT MICHAELS! the sky opened and heavenly sunshine came through. Happy Days are HERE AGAIN! J. and I would meet our idol. Screw you, New Kids on the Block!

Before I go further I should mention, Bob was the first in a long string of celebrities I've embarrassed myself in front of (all of Radiohead, Dave Schools from Widespread Panic, Cheryl and Kim from Dancing with the Stars, Brad Pitt... but I'll save those stories for another day.)

Bob was a ladies man, let's face it. There were women EVERYWHERE. And they were fawning all over him! He looked exactly like he did on the show. And was just as pleasant and kind as you might imagine.

J. and I arrived and waited in line with all the other ladies, and when it was finally my turn I stood next to him wearing... My Bob Ross shrinky dink pin. What happened next was probably the first moment I realized that I could be funny for people outside of my family and friends...

Bob Ross: What a beautiful lady on your pin!
Kacee: THAT'S YOU BOB!!!!!!!

Laughter and applause from the crowd. Sheepish smiling and nodding from Bob Ross. Invisible pat on my back from a million angels.

Like most adolescents I was terribly skinny,  had bad skin, and hadn't quite grown into my hair. But Bob autographed my piece of white notebook paper "To Kacee, a beautiful young lady."

That day will always be such an important part of my life. I was just talking to my boss about how we affect others lives in ways we may never know... maybe just saying hello or giving a compliment could turn someone's day around.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Expect the Unexpected

Sometimes things don't go the way you expect them to. Sometimes you mistake paprika for cinnamon and put in your pancakes... Sometimes you wake up and see that your ex is now on a reality show... awesome... if I so choose I can see him on tv every week. Yay.

My cat Estella is named after the bitchy object of Pip's affection in Great Expectations. (Why did I do that? She's grown into the name. Again- Yay.) But as far as the book goes... Pip's expectations changed as he changed... and that isn't easy.

Expectations can be dumb. The odds of your expectations actually becoming reality are terrible. 50%? MAYBE? Well, unless you say you are "expecting" and mean you're pregnant. That's different. However, we EXPECTED my friend C. to have a baby boy... and guess what? No penis. It's a girl!!!

For many people I know, the last few weeks our expectations have led to nothing but trouble...

Mostly it's been in relationships.... and if Miss Cleo were still around she could predict "you and your significant other will break up this month" and she'd be fairly accurate. A lot of my friends either went through break ups or the beginnings of a break up... in relationships they EXPECTED to last. We tend to believe that the intent of most relationships (romantic, professional, friendships, etc...) is that it will work out - unless it's for money.... Kim Kardashian.

If you are familiar with my blog you'll know how much I love the show Big Brother- and what does Julie Chen always say?? "Expect the unexpected." Julie's chunky jewelry and robotic movements drive me nuts- but she makes a good point.

You just never know... and your great expectations will make you crazy... if you let them.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Porch Moments

Many of you may know that I just went through a break up. I'm not spiteful and I have no reason to say unkind things about him or what happened.  He's a great guy and we had a good run. I will say that the break up to me was a bit unexpected which will be much more understandable further along in the blog. We were at my house... and after we had the "talk" he asked to use the restroom and I said sure, and I walked into the kitchen and turned around to see him just looking at me. I think neither of us really expected this to happen and I just remember standing there and asked "WHAT?"

So my friend and I have this thing called Porch Moments... and today I was chatting with her and she was telling me that my standing in the kitchen post break up made her laugh... like her porch moment.

She had been in town visiting this guy whom she was truly in love with. She did all of this stuff for him for Christmas, knowing that at the end of the week she would have to tell him that the relationship was over and she needed to just say good bye. I knew this was going to happen so I planned to pick her up about 3pm from his house. But at 1:30 I get this call and she's says "come now" so I go pick her up and she  is just sitting on his porch.... wearing her coat... with her suitcase next to her. They had just broken up and she couldn't deal with being in the same room with him.... so she sat in the cold. It was so sad and awful but I just started laughing.... the look on her face was priceless. She was so miserable and she was just sitting on the porch... alone.... with her suitcase... 

So she told me she has this image in her head of me in the kitchen standing there while my ex silently looked at me... and I had my little nightgown on and saying "What?" She said that was my porch moment... and so I googled what I was wearing so she could really get the impact....


It does make me laugh thinking of me standing there just wearing that...I was so angry and confused and ... wearing a baby doll nightie.

We've all got our porch moments. In fact, Dtaylo says she's had a few...  Sometimes life sucks- but we move on- and eventually we laugh about it.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Twice in a week?


Actually I've decided to quit facebooking for a bit and that has freed up a significant amount of time. Why? Facebook can be a bitch. There. I said it. However, according to my blog "stats" (My new obsession) I realize that the majority of my readers access the blog through facebook. So I will make exceptions to post... and to comment on Debbie Gibson being on Celebrity Apprentice (Holla!)

I also received a lot of kind emails and posts and chats from you guys so I thought I'd keep it up. Plus someone found the blog by searching "CRUSH BOB COSTAS" so maybe there is someone else out there? We could make a two person support group.

My friend C.P. really liked the "That's just Kacee" idea... so in keeping with that theme here are some TJK moments that occurred just this week... and it's only Thursday.


On Phil Collins:
Yesterday morning I caught myself JAMMING to Sussudio by Phil Collins. Like bobbing my head, tapping my feet, eating cheez its to the beat. The sad part was that not only did I catch myself doing it. I mentioned it to my friend Figs- and then kept on chair dancing. Whatever. Phil Collins is awesome. I'm totally secure saying that.

On Jimminy Cricket:
C.P. also told me she described me to someone as “her Jimminy Cricket- except with fewer top hats.”
Kacee: I do have a top hat!
C.P.: This is not a surprise.

On The Two Year Old Ninja:
Kendall is Kristal’s 2 year old and she LOVES LOVES Jill. she likes me but loves Jill and so Tuesday night she was all about Jill- who brought her skittles- which Kendall called m and ms.Kendall just got a new kitchen as a gift and she was making "M and M soup." Well, she does this thing called Mad Ninja and she wouldn't do it and so i said I'll eat your m and m soup if you do it so she's like ok.... she does it... we laugh... and then I "pretend" to eat an m and m...granted they had been in her hands forever and the DOG had stuck its face in the bowl,etc. and she looks at me. SUPER serious. And says....


And everyone is dying laughing. And I am like uh... because it’s pretty nasty. And again she looks at me and says...


so I look in the bowl and try to find the shiniest one... that didn't look like it had too much wear and tear...

and i put it on the spoon with the two year old Ninja staring me down.... and I bit it. I believe photos were taken.

On Perseverance:
I had had a rough week but was determined to keep my spirits up. I was talking to Figs about this and began to sing the old 80s gem "Ain't nothin' gonna break my stride. Ain't nothin' gonna slow me down. Oh no!" And she replied "I got to keep on movin!" Which led me to remember that as a child I thought the words were "I got to keep my boobies"

What? That makes no sense.

On My Workout
Usually at work I try to do the basement workout. What is this? Is there a workout room in our building? No. I go down to the conference room in the basement and basically jazzercise by myself for about 20 minutes. I've been caught multiple times. In fact the last time the young maintenance guy walked in on me I just said, "What? You know I do this." Since it's been nice this week I've been walking instead. So yesterday I'm walking and listening to my Ol Dirty Bastard Pandora station. It was playing "Still D.R.E." which I like to think I can rap along to (I can't) but I'm mouthing the words as I go. I see this nice older gentleman in his yard and for some reason I think he's talking to me. I take off my headphones and we have a moment of severely uncomfortable eye contact.... then I just say "HI!" and keep going. I'll be taking a different route today, thank you.

On Slacker Radio:
There have been a few times this week on my Slacker “Favorite Songs” station that some weird songs come on and I think why did it just play "Straight Up" by Paula Abdul? Oh. Because I said it was a favorite. Also "Toy Soldier" by Martika. Clearly 13 year old Kacee was making herself a playlist unbeknownst to 33 year old Kacee who was listening to Phil Collins...

Monday, October 10, 2011

Now this is a story all about how my life got flipped turned upside down… by my nightguard.

My nightguard isn’t the focus of this blog… (audible sigh of relief by readers)… but how the nightguard signifies the importance of not taking yourself too seriously.

I had really funny parents. And let’s be honest- my childhood had all the makings of an After School Special (sans braces and creepers leering at me as I walked home from school.) But my parents taught me early on to laugh at myself. In fact- I still remember some of the dumb things I said as a kid (upon opening a Totino’s pizza at Heather Payne’s house “There is so much cheese on that pizza!” The pizza looked like it was covered in cheese.... because it was upside down.) I remember my mom telling the story about how my dad walked around all day on campus with one of the lenses missing from his sunglasses… and how when he realized it he thought it was so funny.

So last week I went to brunch with some dear friends from out of town, my friend M. and her new man, and the BF (who for blogging purposes shall be referred to as Master Bacon- this is a nod to both bacon and our favorite superhero... and yes I know what other word Master Bacon sounds like... This is not intentional). So during brunch in an effort to simply make conversation, I realized that 85% of what comes out of my mouth is pure ridiculousness. (The other 15% percent includes: commentary on hair care, Early Childhood Education, animals in costume, and reality television.)

So readers here are some of the brunch highlights:
• My dream about being served a deli sandwich at some fancy charity event where I was seated next to Susan Sarandon. Susan had a plate of beans and I was irritated, because as a vegetarian I should have been served beans- not a turkey sandwich. I left the event to attend a friend’s party and walked in at the same time as (gasp!) Dream Guy Bob Costas. But I had to leave early to help my friend with his food truck. This is the most unbelievable part of the dream actually, because everyone knows I can’t cook.
• I also mentioned that the night before I had come home and decided to open a PBR and considered “drinking it in the shower like a man does” I didn’t realize this was so funny. My two girlfriends couldn’t stop laughing, their gentlemen seemed confused yet complimentary and Master Bacon just lowered and shook his head. If my life were a 90s sitcom, we would cut to me looking into the camera and shrugging my shoulders and a “That’s just Kacee!” theme song would play.

So what’s the nightguard have to do with it?

Master Bacon and I had only been on one date when I learned I’d have to start sleeping with a mouth guard for my TMJ, his exact words were… “Wow, you sleep in an eye patch (he meant mask) and wear a night guard? You’re a catch.”

Yay, me.

Oddly enough I never knew that the night guard would change my life. Not only do I no longer wake up with headaches, but I became much more entertaining.

At night I’ll typically say “Ok, I’m putting the night guard in” which means Master Bacon will have prepared a series of questions ….The answers to which have many s’s…. when I speak -everything with an s sound is now replaced with a shhhh sound.

For example:
What’s my favorite football team?
The Shanfranshico Forty Ninersh

What state is next to North Dakota?

And so on and so forth.

I could’ve made the nightguard a big deal. I could’ve been awkward and embarrassed to wear it in front of him. But I wasn’t. And I’m glad… talking in my nightguard is frankly, hilarious.

Dtaylo always says, “One day you’ll look back on this and laugh.”

So why not just start laughing now?

Post Script: I began this post about a week ago and then a bunch of crappy stuff happened and I didn't feel I could post this since I wasn't being true to what I had written. However, today as I came in to work (late because I'm not sleeping well and have had a lot on my mind- I know boo hoo.) I realized that the air is on in our office and so I've been forced to wear gloves. Unfortunately this meant that my fingers are fat and while facebook stalking (shut up- we all do it) I accidentally added a friend when I just meant to "like" the post. Then I had to unfriend her so as not to seem like a creeper but probably made it worse by writing a message that I was sorry I friended her by mistake. So what was once a terribly frustrating and freezing cold morning- is now just funny... That's just Kacee.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Dream On.

I have a recurring dream that I’m back in Springfield going back to college and I have nowhere to live.

It changes a bit from time to time. Sometimes I literally have NO where to live and am thinking I’ll have to commute from my parent’s house. In last night’s dream I lived back in the sorority house. The funniest part of living in the house in my dream- was that I did not have DVR and I missed all the episodes of New Jersey Housewives. I just kept thinking- I can’t wait until I can go back home and get caught up on my shows. However, I was deeply grateful for the never ending supply of choco tacos and mango madness Snapple icees- remember those? Oh Donna…

Sometimes in the dream I can’t find a roommate. Sometimes in the dream I have to find an apartment really far from campus and DRIVE to school. NONE of these things ever happened.

Part of me thinks the dream means I’m not where I am supposed to be. Too deep? Probably. I had some vodka last night … that doesn’t help.

Someone I know might say I am yearning to find a time when I was not a vegetarian- so I could eat bacon again.

Yesterday I was talking about the poem I wrote in college that was put on the side of the bus- remember that, Bears? And I thought about how much I love words. I re read my favorite poem, "The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock"… and how it sounds so painfully beautiful when you read it aloud… and I felt sad.

I wanted to be a writer. And now the closest thing I get to writing is this blog (kinda sorta), and quarterly reports, and witty gchats.

So maybe the dream means I need to focus on writing?

Maybe the dream means I need to focus on my house... fix the basement carpet I ripped up by myself.

Or maybe it just means I really miss mango madness Snapple.