For the Birds!

For as long as I can remember I’ve had a hate/hate relationship with birds.
Yesterday I was taking the garbage out and there in the driveway I saw it… a big black bird resembling my arch enemy.. the Magpie.

Now, I don’t know if Magpies are in Colorado but whether this bird was real or imagined- but for me it signals danger.

Many of you may not know this but nearly 10 years ago, (man, I am old!) I lived in Brisbane, Australia. My neighborhood was beautiful and lush and fragrant. Nearly every day I took a walk… it was gorgeous. But one day out of nowhere something pricked the top of my head. It was so fast I almost thought I made it up… but hours later I realized my hair had a big dried blood spot. Hmmm… compelling.
Two days later I made the same trek around the neighborhood and it happened AGAIN. But this time I saw the assailant fly away. It was big and black and larger than life. It came swooping down and attacked the top of my head again. BAHHHHH!!!! I screamed…. Once again… I had a bloody head… and not in the English sense like if I had a headache. No- real blood… coagulated.

So I go home and ask Suzi, the nice lady I lived with, what the heck? And she tells me “You probably got too close to the nest.” Fine. Too close. So I will go another way.

Days go by and it happens AGAIN! In a totally different place! Now the thing about being attacked by a magpie that is different from being attacked by another creature… your panther, your ferret… is that you don’t see them coming. They have an advantage and that is that they live in trees.

So once again I get poked in the head. And if you have never been attacked by a bird let me tell you it HURTS. So I do some investigating and turns out that there are two possible reasons I keep getting attacked. 1. I have super blonde hair that the magpies don’t like and think they need to attack or 2. I am from the United States.

I start wearing hats… and guess what? STILL ATTACKED! Birds must know I hate them… and will retaliate against me at any moment. Finally I moved back to the U.S. where birds know their place.

I think it’s all things about birds that I hate. I hated the movie “The Birds.” I hated the way in the Heidi Fleiss documentary she went crazy on meth and only had birds as friends. (Side note- if you haven’t seen this – you have to. It’s so crazy.) AND I hate the way that once on a trip to China with several New Zealanders they made me say the word “bird” over and over… “Listen to her say it! HAHAHA… She pronounces buhd as BIRRRRD… hahahaha.

Yesterday, the magpie in the driveway did give me the side eye and this time I gave him the side eye right back…. So dear friends.. in the event I ever get married… so help me if one person throws bird seed as I exit the chapel… you will NOT be enjoying the cheese buffet at my wedding.

One more thing.

This is not meant as disrespectful in ANY WAY… but I have to ask… why do people have all these pictures of themselves in the car? I'm fascinated by this- and I think it's another sign that I am super old since I've never done it.

When I am in the car… I am driving. I have never thought to photograph myself. HOWEVER- that being said… If I am traveling with a cat as I am wont to do… I do take a picture of the cat. Doing something funny… Like pretending to sing.

Maybe I never think I look that good while I’m driving… I don’t know. The thought has never occurred to me- but it seems to be pretty popular… so I’m just asking… I say-- keep it up - but ONLY if you are at a complete stop... otherwise Oprah will have you sign a pledge about it.

My new business idea!

I’ve decided to start a line of greeting cards that are completely blunt and to the point about things we rarely like to discuss with those we love.

On the outside it will say…
“I know something you don’t know”

And you would open it up… and the inside could say things like…

Everyone hates it when you tell that story
That’s a really terrible idea
You are probably getting fired
We all know you were the one who left that stain
It doesn’t look as good as we said it did
Your facebook postings are getting old (clearly…. that one I could send to myself!)

Sometimes things suck.. here's a funny story.

It’s interesting to me that all of a sudden a bunch of bad stuff seems to be happening. Terrible things have happened to friends lately: death, cancer, adoption issues, and just flat out bitchiness.

So it’s time for a funny story. I had almost forgotten about this but something reminded me yesterday…

A few years ago I used to get my bikini line lasered. As a general rule, I hate body hair. And if I can permanently remove it… I will. So..

If you have never done this—it’s not as fun as it sounds. The laser is like a million little hot rubber bands beating the crap out of your bikini area. And THEN… it scabs! Incredibly alluring.. just ask the guy I was dating at the time.

You basically go in- strip off your pants and undies and sit there while someone’s face and hands holding a LASER are right next to your most personal area… you have to have a good sense of humor and be fairly comfortable with yourself to do this. Oh- and you are wearing space age goggles.

Anyway- I used to schedule all my appointments with one nurse specifically because she would always have these crazy stories about putting her dog in dog shows. She had a Lhasa Apso named Moonshadow… and she would show me pictures and tell me all about the training, and the shows, and the grooming—all while lasering my bikini line… OH- and she used to call individual hairs “little guys” which made me laugh. As in, “This little guy just won’t burn off”

SO.. the point of this story is that one day… MOONSHADOW WAS IN THE OFFICE! So I am all excited to hang out with Moonshadow—maybe watch her do a trick while my nether regions are on fire… But the nurse goes one better….

After I undress and put my goggles on, the nurse ( I wish I remembered her name) decides that I should HOLD MOONSHADOW IN MY LAP! So she picks him up and puts him on top of me.

So there I am… no clothes on my bottom half, goggles, and a Lhasa Apso in my lap. So I kind of was like.. hey doggie… and just gave him a little pat.

Happy Friday.

Defriendship stings....

I have been defriended- it’s true. The last person to defriend me was a sorority sister. I don’t know why—but my assumption is that she found my posts annoying. The other person who defriended me is a girl I knew in high school. She actually told someone my posts annoyed her. That’s ok- sometimes my posts annoy me too.

I do know that I made a comment a few weeks ago about health care and I posted about it on my blog. I was defriended by that I am sure. But let’s be honest… I don’t agree with the many of the views of friends on facebook.

But I don’t always agree with everyone I know in REAL LIFE—no one does. If we were all the same life would be incredibly boring and sad.

Maybe you don’t agree with how I conduct my life? That’s fine. “Hide” me—I don’t care. In fact I don’t really care that I got defriended- it’s more funny than anything else.

But just remember I sat in the same room with you and played “I never” and I didn’t judge.

And... if you are curious- I'm not going to say who it was.

How awkward was it??

So awkward that since I was introduced to Rob 3 last week he has been in the office three times and not once has he stopped in to say hello.

Matchmaking stinks. Let’s face it the matchmaker always turns out to be in the middle. You may think you know two people who are PERFECT for each other- and maybe they just don’t click. Or maybe one guy turns out to be a douche and never calls the girl back… this recently happened to me. I felt terrible. I’m not that close with the guy.. so when he didn’t call my friend back after two dates I couldn’t figure it out. I just felt like it was somehow my fault that I had a dirtbag friend.

The best thing about being set up these days is that you can check out the facebook profile prior to meeting. For example: Rob 1 had a really weird profile picture when I first met him… he looked cute in his other pictures… but this was of him pretending to have bowling ball boobs. Rob 1 was clearly 15 and probably just looking for a ride to the mall.

Rob 2 looked very handsome in his profile. BUT his about me was so cheesy. He talked about how romantic he was and how he was just a good Colorado guy looking for a good girl. BLAH BLAH BLAH. I love facebook, but it’s intended for fun.. not to meet your soulmate. That was what Friendster was for.

Rob 3 on the other hand had a picture of himself IN A HOT TUB… with a doo rag and a beer!

This is an unacceptable profile picture unless your name starts with Bret and ends with Michaels. (PS- who is watching him on Celebrity Apprentice? Poor guy- he’s really dorky, huh?)

I guess I don’t have a great way to wrap this up—except always trust your gut. When your friend wants to set you up and you know from the start you aren’t feeling it… it’s best to let it go.