For as long as I can remember I’ve had a hate/hate relationship with birds.
Yesterday I was taking the garbage out and there in the driveway I saw it… a big black bird resembling my arch enemy.. the Magpie.
Now, I don’t know if Magpies are in Colorado but whether this bird was real or imagined- but for me it signals danger.
Many of you may not know this but nearly 10 years ago, (man, I am old!) I lived in Brisbane, Australia. My neighborhood was beautiful and lush and fragrant. Nearly every day I took a walk… it was gorgeous. But one day out of nowhere something pricked the top of my head. It was so fast I almost thought I made it up… but hours later I realized my hair had a big dried blood spot. Hmmm… compelling.
Two days later I made the same trek around the neighborhood and it happened AGAIN. But this time I saw the assailant fly away. It was big and black and larger than life. It came swooping down and attacked the top of my head again. BAHHHHH!!!! I screamed…. Once again… I had a bloody head… and not in the English sense like if I had a headache. No- real blood… coagulated.
So I go home and ask Suzi, the nice lady I lived with, what the heck? And she tells me “You probably got too close to the nest.” Fine. Too close. So I will go another way.
Days go by and it happens AGAIN! In a totally different place! Now the thing about being attacked by a magpie that is different from being attacked by another creature… your panther, your ferret… is that you don’t see them coming. They have an advantage and that is that they live in trees.
So once again I get poked in the head. And if you have never been attacked by a bird let me tell you it HURTS. So I do some investigating and turns out that there are two possible reasons I keep getting attacked. 1. I have super blonde hair that the magpies don’t like and think they need to attack or 2. I am from the United States.
I start wearing hats… and guess what? STILL ATTACKED! Birds must know I hate them… and will retaliate against me at any moment. Finally I moved back to the U.S. where birds know their place.
I think it’s all things about birds that I hate. I hated the movie “The Birds.” I hated the way in the Heidi Fleiss documentary she went crazy on meth and only had birds as friends. (Side note- if you haven’t seen this – you have to. It’s so crazy.) AND I hate the way that once on a trip to China with several New Zealanders they made me say the word “bird” over and over… “Listen to her say it! HAHAHA… She pronounces buhd as BIRRRRD… hahahaha.
Yesterday, the magpie in the driveway did give me the side eye and this time I gave him the side eye right back…. So dear friends.. in the event I ever get married… so help me if one person throws bird seed as I exit the chapel… you will NOT be enjoying the cheese buffet at my wedding.